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Films That Desperately Need A Reboot

by AY_Jelly

Created 03/03/17

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So, as we all know art is a lot like technology: it constantly has to be thrown out and discarded in favor of something new. You think Bergman mad a masterpiece with Persona? Wait till Marc Webb updates that story to modern day Los Angles with Zooey Deschanel and Emma Stone. Oh, you like the stark noir lighting in The Killing? Imagine how great it's gonna look when Lena Dunham lights the scene like it's taking place in a shopping mall. I'm gonna save Hollywood a lot of time and effort and go ahead and pitch these remakes right now.

  • When you think of modern directors equipped to handle the delicate art of balancing tension and excitement without giving the audience too much, you think of one name: Lena Dunham. Watch as Adam Driver, James Franco, Diego Luna, Sean Penn, and Seth Rogan attempt to pull off the greatest bank heist of their career while mumbling inane dialogue, smoking a shitload of pot, and having important personal revelations in a bathtub/dumpster. That's fucking indie!

  • Zooey Deschanel and Emma Stone turn this depressing Bergman masterpiece into a wonderful story of two roommates who are learning that sometimes relationships can be hard. This will differ slightly from the source material in that Zooey will play a character who never shuts the fuck up and keeps saying weird shit for the sake of being weird. Emma will sit there and stare because nobody wants to hear her wooden delivery of any goddamn lines anyway. Add a scene where they "discover" something about themselves set in a bathroom and you got a surefire hit. Brought to you by Focus features.

  • Tyler Perry presents Madea on tha Block! Madea runs a Pizzeria in suburban Chicago where her idiot grandson works as an incompetent delivery boy. Hilarity ensues when the Italians in the neighborhood don't like the pizza so they act like some honkies and Madea makes fun of their horrible dancing. Look out for the cameo by Martin Lawrence as Da Mayor.

  • We'll turn this into a Christmas movie because it always snows in Canada. What the hell people, why do you still live there? Seriously, I would put a bullet in my head if I had to live there for more than a fortnight.

  • Nicole Kidman and Asa Butterfield star in this classic remake by Zack Snyder. The difference is that they are both going to be super space aliens and its gonna be all epic and shit. Thanks Hollywood, you've ruined my life again.

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